Wandering in the World without a Map

Months and I haven't written a thing... I admit I am lost. Life seems like it has just begun and I am lost, wandering and confused. I had a plan and it has been turned upside down. I had it worked out in my head with a timeline and everything... Married young, kids before 30, licensed and working as few years after returning to Virginia... Now everything is spinning in some dark void where I can only see snippets of what life is supposed to be.

 I admit, at this point, that I have lost my way, and I am desperately trying to see the path. I've started keeping a prayer journal but I admit I am not doing it enough... I started counseling (counselor heal thyself), I started exercising again (a little) and felt great for a small period of time, I've been buying books left and right to try to gain perspective (might be going on another book buying binge later today). I need to pick up "Eat, Pray, Love" and one more book. There is a quote from the book which makes me think i need to read more. I'm watching the movie presently (Thank you Blockbuster for having a closing sale where it was only $3).

"I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
                                                                                -from Eat, Pray, Love

I want to run away and go to some beautiful foreign country and just find me again. Or run home, where home really is, and hide under my sheets... I have never been, to the best of my memory, so confused and torn... then again, perhaps I was and my memories just fail me.

I have started burning incense again, having candlelit baths, journaling a lot in a private journal (it's been one month and I've filled almost 80 pages), the prayer journal, drinking more fruit smoothies in hopes of improving mood... I want to get back into meditation (probably another book I'll get) and breathing, and I still stand here, holding pieces and threads that will somehow lead me back to where I am supposed to be. I just wish I knew where that was.

 I am so looking forward to the time I can sit on a beach in the morning with a mug of coffee with my mom...
The day can't come soon enough.