The wheels left the ground, the plain shuddered, and I was in the air. It was late Friday night, after 9pm, and on the horizon as we began to float toward the clouds, a beautiful orange sun faded away, it's beauty, muted but the grey blanket of grief, hanging over me. I was going home...
As I walked through the airport I saw my parents waiting for me. It's Dad's birthday, I smile and hug him tight. I wish we had time to celebrate, I wish I had a light heart to celebrate with, but Dad understands. We walk together, discussing the flight, Florida, and life.
After stopping at home for just a moment, and laying on the floor with our little doxie, Henry. He licks my face, happy to see me, but even he can see the blanket. I smile but it is faded. I hold him in my arms and kiss his head. he sulks when I leave.
I stay at Stephen's home, now quiet. As I arrive Stephen is waiting, and immediately comes out and hugs me tightly. I thank my Mom for everything. Inside we are greeted by Checkers, a very small cat, and Sparky, a beagle mix with big buggy eyes, who wiggles, excited to see me again. Sparky knows Stephen has been waiting. We don't sleep. We just talk, and talk.
In the morning Mom comes back and we all go to IHOP, Mom is treating us both. We smile, and talk, and enjoy a beautiful breakfast and I prepare for the day with coffee, lots of coffee. We stop to pick up tissues and mountain dew... Stephen will need all the energy he can get. We return to the apartment, making sure Sparky and the cats are ok for the rest of the day, then it is off to the church...
The sanctuary is filled with the smell of flowers, on the alter sits two lacquered boxes, one brown, one black, sit surrounded by a heart of rose petals and vases of flowers... He is the reason we are all here... we are sending Chris home.
My lil brother comes to me, and cries on my shoulder, it is finally real... We stand for a long time, just hugging one another... the pain is almost unbearable, because his love and joy was undeniable. Down stairs we meet family, friends, coworkers, neighbors current and past, all who loved him, all who he loved, all here to honor him.
After an hour we return upstairs, the guests are seated, and the family lines up. I am walking with them. I don't have his blood, I am not married in, friends from church don't understand, and turn their heads to the side, questioning my place. I don't question it. I am here for my brother, I am here for the man who was like a father to me, and so many. We are here for Chris.
One by one, we walk in, each carrying a candle, and placing them in the heart surrounding Chris. He surrounded each of us with love, and now each of us do the same. The light of the flames dances on the lacquered boxes, a glow illuminates the pulpit, where the minister will shortly stand. It is perfect... I stand between Tina, and Stephen, holding their hands, as the service begins.
Memories of Chris are shared, the man who showed up out of the blue to help, the intelligent child, the best friend from high school, the loving father, the loyal husband, the man who took in so many young people as his own, and loved us like his children. He is our second father, we grieve as if he were our only father.
Tears are flowing, quiet choking sobs can be heard echoing in the church. It is too soon... In the pew behind us I hear a tiny voice, crying. A little boy, only maybe 5, is handing his head, sniffling and crying. His parent's knew Chris, and the little boy had always loved when Chris visited. Chris was his second father too. Stephen, in an act so like his father that I break into tears, reaches back and comforts him, letting him know it will be ok. Stephen is already so much like his father in all the best ways.
Beautiful music,
Santa Fe,
Safely Home, and finally, the bagpipes play
amazing grace. Chris would have loved it. It is perfect. We walk out, one by one, and move downstairs again, to enjoy a meal that church members have prepared with love and care, and sharing memories, love and hugs.
The little boy is down there, he is crying again. I approach him, and kneel down to his level. I gently speak to him, "I know today is really hard, Chris was a really good guy. He was my friend too, and you know what always helps me? A big hug... would you like a hug?" He nods and throws his arms around me, sobbing into my shoulder. I rub his back until he calms a little, and is ready to let go.
I stand and am eye to eye with his mother and father. His dad is holding back tears, his mom is already crying. She quietly manages a thank you. I offer her a hug as well. We hug and I mention that Chris would have done it, and that love is what we all have to hold on two, write on our hearts, and share with the world.
People who have never met are family now. Chris wouldn't want us crying, but each tear honors his life, his love, and his example. If he wasn't incredibly missed, we wouldn't be crying. We share memories, smiles, hugs, and pictures. On my phone I have a picture of Chris at my wedding, possibly the only time in his life he ever wore a tie, which he jokingly called "a noose."
Finally, there comes a point where I can no longer stay... my plane will fly without me and I ow my parents a dinner. I missed Dad's birthday dinner, and have barely seen them. Besides, Chris always insisted I not slight my family in any way, and he probably would have "thrown me out" with a smile, hours earlier, insisting I see them.
We go to dinner at Shoney's, talking about life, about the service, and about Chris. I hug my parents every chance I get... I am reminded how short life can be, and that we are never promised tomorrow. I try to make sure I say everything I think I need to and never resist the impulse to hug or kiss them.
In the airport I carry a loaf of bread my parents made for us. I worry security wont let it through because it is wrapped in foil. Each security worker asks about it, and is envious. For me, it is a reminder if the love my family has for me, and I pray it wont be taken away from me.
Each flight holds beautiful sights, the glow of city lights, the sun, fading away. I try to keep my eyes open, I am so tired... in 72 hours I have only gotten about 5 hours sleep, only 15 minutes in the past 48, but it was so worth it.... I can't imagine not having flown up, standing beside my second family, my little brothers, and meeting the rest of the family, who before today, I couldn't have imagined.
At the airport, Tom is waiting with a drink for me. What would I possibly do without him... my strength and constant support. I crawl into the car and am carried home. I can barely walk through the door, and immediately fall into bed. Sleep washes over me, and lyrics echo in my mind...
"Hello darkness, my old friend.... I've come to talk with you again...."
I love you Chris,
Thank you for your life, your loving example, and for always showing us how to live.
The 43 years we had with you were a precious gift, taken far too soon.
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| Rest in Peace ... 9/7/11 |
Ok, normally I just clip coupons and save a dollar or two but when Kohls sends out their $10 of $10 cards it's time to go major league.
Well, now we have the coffee, but we really don't have many mugs. I was cruising around kitchenware and saw the most adorable turquoise mugs. If you know me, anything in the blue-green spectrum is awesome, so I checked the price and gagged, $10 per mug.
We have wedding pictures now, so I cruised the frames. Right now I have two adorable ones of us with our parents, one of each side of the family. I looked through the frames and found this adorable set. Two 4x6 frames attached in the center with a hinge, by Malden International Designs.
