The Storm

This week has been painful. I still don't think I've truly let go but I am learning to just turn to God and tell him "I need you because with out you this all seems so meaningless..."

Part of me thought that since I've been through this before, I'd somehow be more prepared, but I wasn't.
I found out about Carley in middle school from the school and the news, she was about 12...
I found out about Jeremy from the radio, he was 19 and died in Hit, Iraq.
I found out about my Uncle from our family, he left two young children and his wife behind due to a doctors negligence. 
I found out about J.D. from my mom... he was 23...
I've dealt with loosing extended friends as well (people i knew, but a bit more distantly, like I was in class with them). I've faced friends attempting suicide and surviving. But no matter what, you are NEVER prepared.

I want to be in control so badly, I want to understand and be able to say "oh, that's why a 12 year old would commit suicide"  but sometimes there is just no way to rationalize it. You have to let go and turn to the father.

He and I have been having some of our "big talks" this week where I sob and scream at him about how pointless it all is, how stupid his plan seems, I interrogate him about why he would think THIS should be allowed to happen, and he sits beside me and quietly tells me "I'm with you, I'm sorry you don't understand, I love you."

I ask him "where is your plan in this!?" and he quietly tells me "you'll see them again, they're with me now, what could be better?"

I am selfish, I demand of him, "they should be here with US, they should be able grow old, and I should be able to have them with me! I want them back!" and he softly says "I'm sorry, that's not the plan"

I break, I plead with him "Please, tell me this is a dream? You'll wake me soon? This can't be happening!" and he grieves with me, "It's real, but it will be ok, I'm with you"

I am defiant, I'm a child, "That's not enough, I want THEM with me. Give them back..." I cry. He holds me.

I turn to him. "I'm tired... please help me get through this. I can't do it alone." He holds me, "I know. I'm with you, I love you, and I always have. I know you don't understand, and that it hurts but they are not hurting anymore. One day you will meet again, but for now you must be strong."

I'm lost, but he found me. I'm blind but he sees, and I praise him, because that's all I need, even if I sometimes want more. God works in mysterious ways. Friends reconnect and grieve together. New bonds are form, we grow together and persevere. Life seems senseless sometimes, but we are not alone.

Casting Crowns - Praise you in the storm

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen, and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.


And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You raised me up again
my strength is almost, gone how can I carry on, if I can't find You!
and as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away


And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


I lift my eyes onto the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Hard to say Goodbye - J.D. Ratliff

J.D. Ratliff  

(John Durwood Ratliff - 23)
1987-2011

Sometimes nothing prepares you for what life has planned. Earlier this week I found out that my friend J.D. passed away. It was sudden and unexpected and left all who knew him stunned in the wake.

J.D. and I met back in middle school. Things were not always easy. Both of us faced issues with our peers who felt the need to put us down, that was something we had in common, and it made us grow together. We went to church together and would sit on the swings after dinner or choir and talk, sometimes until it got dark. 

We were both geeks or nerds or what ever you want to call it. J.D. was incredibly smart and I was always happy to have him as a lab partner in our science class.

By the time we went to high school we were separated by schools. J.D. went to Brook Road while I went to Tucker. We still saw each other at church occasionally and when we did it was always great to catch up. We still sat on the swings and talked about what was going on, what mutual friends were up to, and what games we were currently obsessed with. When we graduated high school, we again went different ways. I was headed to Christopher Newport University, he was going to the Marines.

I remember going to church over Christmas break, and to my surprise, seeing him sitting in his uniform in the pew. he looked so different without the long hair he'd grown out prior to going into the marines, but the smile was still the same. We stood in the hall as long as we could after church and talked about everything, his station, my school, new friends, where he'd be going next and we traded numbers and promised to hang out sometime, he'd call when we'd be back in town. We never got to hang out again.

Over a year passed since that day when we promised to meet again. My Mom called me to tell me he was gone. Nothing could have prepared me... 

We'll keep our promise. I'll see J.D. one more time when he comes back to Virginia, although this time it will be the last for some time. It will be the day he is laid to rest. We will still have our day to meet again, when one day I join him at our father's house and we can walk side by side again. 

J.D., you were always a good friend, and I hope I've always done right by you. I know you are looking down on us, telling us not to cry, but it's not the same without you. The world is a little dimmer without your smile to light it up.